Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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