Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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