YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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