he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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