he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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