i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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