MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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