For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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