So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize