im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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