A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
