So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
