My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
