You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
