I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
