Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
