I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
