so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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