She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
