Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Panties = found
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
