So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
