I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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