i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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