this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
