Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
