you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
