you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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