Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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