that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
