They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Randomize
