Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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