Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
not ubering you a puppy
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
