i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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