The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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