Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Randomize
