I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
