I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
