im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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