when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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