I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
