dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize