i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
my nose is crying tears of wow.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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