Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
