thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
