Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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