Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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