Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
me + whiskey = a bad person
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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