Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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