Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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