either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
