Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
