i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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