i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
