Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
