I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
