Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
