If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
