She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
