I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Randomize
