someone owes me an orgasm
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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