It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
All I want is dick and wine.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
