I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Randomize
