apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
