party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
