so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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