filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
