I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
