honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Randomize
