just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize