And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
